*J*, the boys & I had family pics professionally this year. It was a present from my aunt. So, I decided to write a Christmas letter
to accompany the family pics that I plan to send to family. I found some real cute paper & photo cards at the dollar store and a site with some cute
templates for a Christmas letter. It all just fit together as great idea.
So, yesterday I sat here & typed it out, adjusted it for the printer paper & so on. I was so proud & thought it was so cute!
Then, while rereading one last time to be sure it was all right, I realized something. I was not in the letter except to mention that *J* & I renewed our vows! I had no high lights to share! I mean, I have good achievements to share & such. But none I can, really. I mean, "Heather managed to not have a total mental breakdown this year after finally having all the info about *J's* addiction & abuse, 3 therapists dropping her, food issues & solitude! She even managed to keep the family going even though we're financially in the hole & needing to move. The funeral of a friend & a dear pet, as well as a 'confrontation's with her mother didn't break her either!" isn't exactly the kind of stuff I can share. Those were my high lights! I am proud I have made it through this all & do not hate my husband. I am proud we are doing better right now. But my "achievements" are so very private.
I ended up just slipping in, "Heather is so very busy with the details and all, being a stay at home
mother."
I was wearing my
damn pajama pants to work because I was so depressed and down trodden by conflict and insanity and blameshifting and being lied to that the very act of bathing
or changing into my lovely working clothes seemed overwhelming! How was I? 
I was crazed and at moments entirely out of my mind with fear of the changes my life would surely need to get back to some sense of
normalcy. 
I was eating all the time and totally
tubbie. 
I was spiralling out of control and writing
on a message board all the live long day and looking for support and advice from women I hardly knew but could relate to better than my real sister.
I was getting divorced, then adjusting to
divorce with a freakish guy who also happened to be my daughter's father. 
that had been thrust into my life by 
.
.
Be strong 
, keep sailing toward the things that you want for yourself and your
family 
, dance and be happy when you feel you can
. In the moments you feel crazy 
remember what a 
PAs can be and how the choice is ours to be 
when we need to, and happy when we can be 
.
.
